The internet: both blessing and curse. You can find almost anything on it, given time and imagination, but it sucks your time into a black hole and it’s gone forever.
I’m okay with that. I feel a calling to make order out of chaos and bring balance to the universe (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), and the internet is my tool. And it helps divert me from filling giant holes in the front lawn with tons of topsoil and spreading seed and mulching and watering and cleaning up broken branches and mowing and trimming and…oh…sorry…got carried away.
So anyway, back to making order out of chaos and wasting time. I blame my brother for this recent one, because I can get away with it. You see, he posted a thing on Facebook about ways to help you survive falls from great heights. Because he was wasting time on the internet. Well, part of that article mentioned James Bond jumping out of an airplane and taking another guy’s parachute away from him which, indeed, helped him survive a fall from a great height. Not so much for the other guy. Then there was conjecture about what might have happened to the other guy.
The movie sprang instantly to my mind: “Moonraker.” I remembered that Jaws survived when his ripcord malfunctioned, and we got into a discussion about how. Actually, he wasn’t the one who lost his ‘chute to Bond, but we were off and running, chasin’ rabbits, and that became unimportant. I mistakenly recalled that Jaws landed in a haystack. My brother mistakenly recalled that he went through the thatched roof of a cottage. Then he cheated (just before I got around to cheating), got on the internet, and found a reference that said Jaws fell through the top of a circus tent and landed in the trapeze net.
Okay, fine. Order from chaos achieved. Universe back in balance. Wasting time, check. But now James Bond is in my brain when the Staples commercial comes on TV. “What’s that tune??” my brain asked at the intro. “That sounds like one of the Bond theme songs! YOU MUST FIND IT!!” And off I went.
This went in fits and spurts over a few days, at least. The time-wasting was, therefore, at least not all in one chunk. My first guess was that since this was a melodic and pretty intro tune, perhaps it was from Rita Coolidge singing “All Time High” from “Octopussy.” Went and found it. Nope, not the one. But then the search went on hiatus as necessary chores intruded on my mission.
And being diverted by that gave me time to run across a goofy haiku to post on Facebook, since my main theme there is language and wordplay and humor, and a goofy haiku is hard to beat.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don’t make sense
Refrigerator
And now haiku is in my brain. And the compartment walls are weak, and James Bond leaked into haiku, and haiku is what’s behind the title of “You Only Live Twice,” and I scrambled for Google and the opening credit video of Nancy Sinatra singing the title song. YES!!! SUCCESS!!!
In the perfect blending of multiple accidental convergences of synaptic vertices, and dumb luck, order was formed out of chaos and all stood explained — my mission was complete. There was balance in the universe again.
But wait…does this mean Staples stole music from James Bond? I remember George Harrison losing a copyright infringement case because “My Sweet Lord” sounded like “He’s So Fine” by…who was that? The Chiffons? Better go check that out. But wait…maybe Staples used it by permission…or maybe it’s a case of subconscious plagiarism…maybe I can get on The Google and find out…
NO!! STOP!!
BUT I MUST!!!
(Somebody help me….)
But I’m not the only one who’s OCD enough to notice the background music on a Staples commercial and spend days in search of answers, right?
Right???
In A Tale-Spin 